i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
