Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
