Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
