4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
