1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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