Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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