Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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