my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize