How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
