I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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