Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
