the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
