I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
