On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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