Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
where are my pants?
in the oven.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
