he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
