If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
