I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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