Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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