he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
