I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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