Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
