I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
