Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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