I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
