My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I can text with my tongue
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
