I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
