This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
