life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
