When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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