Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
