I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
