Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
