You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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