Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
