I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
