Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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