I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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