just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
