so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
