i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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