If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
