I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I intend to get homeless drunk
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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