My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize