Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
