Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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