Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
