I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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