I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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