6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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