Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
