Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
