i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
